Emotional Response
by xXLovelyDarknessXx
Summary: Ryou loves bakura, and bakura wants to feel something for him. He just doesn't know how. Tendershipping yaoi.
1. Guilt

Me: OMG! A new story!! I just had to type something and this is what came out...Hope you like it!!!

Disclaimer: If i actually owned anything from Yu-gi-oh, do you think i'd be wasting my time writing TenderShipping Fanfics?

I think not!

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Emotions are superficial.

People like to think about them as if they are some sort of magical fairy dust or something.

But their not.

Emotions are just sharp little electric zaps your brains sends through out your body to let you know whats good or not.

The human body is a selfish thing.

It only cares about itself.

Tells you what it likes and doesn't like.

You become sad or angry when your body doesn't like something.

You become happy when it does.

You can't decide what it is your body likes, your body tells you what you like.

Thats it.

But then someone once asked me about love, and when someone does something the body doesn't like for it.

I didn't say anything, because i knew that if i gave him my answer, he would be consumed in many of those different zaps and i would only feel guilty for not feeling anything.

But the way i see it, Love is the most selfish emotion of them all.

Think about it, what makes you love someone?

They make you happy, they make you feel good.

They attract you physically, mentally, and emotionally.

You only do something for your "love" because you want them to be around.

To please your body.

I mean, lust is already half of it.

It's selfish.

And the same thing goes for hate.

It's just the other way around.

But people have put love in a perspective that it's magical and blissful.

The kind of things that teenage girls and ovulating women watch.

I can't feel any of it.

I can't feel anything but guilt.

Guilt for not being able to feel anything.

Sure, I'll laugh. I'll Cry. I'll yell and I'll scream and punch, hit, throw.

But it's not genuine.

It's an act. Because that's what others around me do...

Because if i just stayed apathetic the whole time, i would get even more grief and be shrouded by even more guilt.

I remember on Christmas day last year, My hikari made me a beautiful gift.

He worked so hard on it, i had seen him slaving over it day after day, and he would never show me what it was.

When i opened it, i smiled as best i could and told him I loved it.

But i felt so much guilt afterwards, because i didn't feel anything.

Not gratitude.

Not happiness.

Not even shock or awe.

I felt nothing.

And i can't stand it anymore!

It's like i'm not even alive!  
My mind is completely numb!

I want to see people as people, they way everyone else does!

Not the walking talking meat bags that are 60% water and carry about 10 pints of blood.

I don't want to think about the purpose of any of us being here if we're just going to rot and decay.

I want to feel something!

I want to cry because my heart was broken

I want to laugh in sweet relief.

I want to feel scared for my life.

I want to hate someone with all my body and soul, and love someone with the same intensity.

I want to feel alive.

So here I am now.

On top of the KaibaCorp skyscraper.

Looking down at all of those meat sacks, lost in their own blissful emotion cloud.

Completely unaware of reality.

I want to feel that.

The cold air rushed past my face and sent chills down my spine.

I want to feel my heart in my chest as death strokes my cheeks.

One little slip and i'll fall all the way down.

I knew that and yet, I felt nothing.

The wind was starting to pick up and i slowly spread my arm span out as far is it would go and closed my eyes.

"Bakura!"

My eyes blinked open to the sound of the voice behind me.

I twisted around and stared at the CEO's hard face.

He had emotion on his face. Quite a few.

I want that.

"What are you doing!? You're not thinking about jumping are you?"

I sighed and hopped off the ledge, shoving my hands deep into my pockets.

"No, i was never planning on actually leaving the platform."

"You should just be glad that Ryou doesn't know about this. He called my office about five minutes ago looking for you."

Oh Ryou, worried as always.

Either that or it's just dinner time.

Hmm, probably both.

"You're not going to tell him are you Kaiba?"

The brunette crossed his arms and gave me one long hard look.

"No, but don't let me catch you up here again. You hear me?"

"Yes sir," I replied sarcastically.

He rolled his eyes as i fallowed him out of the crisp wind that blew my silver locks into my face.

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"You are a crazy Son of a Bitch, Bakura." Marik took a long swig of his Beer as he lectured me.

"What were you doing up there anyway?"

"Salilaquizing."

The Egyptian's blonde spikes danced as he shook his head.

"God, this is the third time you've been caught on top of a building, if you don't stop Ryou's gonna find out."

I twirled my own bottle in my hand and watched the liquid inside spin into a small whirlpool before calming down again.

"I realize that."

"Then why do you do it?"

I inhaled sharply and set my alcohol down on the coffee table in front of us. I raised my eyes to meet Marik's narrow purple ones that were staring me down for an answer.

"I can't take it anymore..." I mumbled.

"Bakura,"

"I want, no, I NEED to feel something! Anything! I'm tired of being so numb all the time!"

Marik set his beer down beside my own.

"I understand that you want emotions but killing yourself?"

"You don't understand Marik! You were born off of an emotion! And i was never going to kill myself. I just wanted to feel a heartbeat..."

Marik bit his lip and used two slim fingers to twirl one of his blonde locks between his fingers thoughtfully.

"I don't understand why, It's been proven that emotions always get in the way of logic. Look at you, for example, Your the Thief king for Christ's sake!"

I considered what he said and slouched on the leather couch, causing it to squeak slightly.

Without emotion's clouding my judgement, i can easily decide between right and wrong and protect anyone i want.

But the thing is, why would i want to protect anyone if i have no emotions to motivate me.

Besides guilt anyway.

"Because i don't like guilt,"

Marik's expression went as apathetic and blank as my own. His eyes half closed and narrowed.

His mouth had no muscle power holding it whatsoever as his brain worked.

"Why are you guilty?"

I didn't answer.

I just looked away and grabbed my beer once again, swallowing as much as i could in one gulp without choking.

"I guess a better question would be who,"

I didn't have to turn my head to feel the smirk spreading across his face at that very moment.

"Ryou is making you feel guilty."

"I know he loves me! i know he loves me so much, but i keep pushing him away! I'm not even smitten! i can't feel anything! he's attractive and all of that but i can't FEEL anything!"

I suddenly burst.

I didn't have too, but i considered there was no point in arguing with a psychopath who was created from someone's rage and hatred about emotion.

The Blonde's smirk faded to a genuine smile as he placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

"Are you saying you want to love him?"

"I'm saying that i want to know what my body wants...I want to feel something towards him. Anything at all..."

"What if you hate him?"

I furrowed my brow and stared at what was left of my beverage.

I had never considered that path.

What if i ended up getting so agitated and annoyed with the poor boy.

We'd both be in hell.

I sighed and placed my head in my hands.

"I don't know...I just want to feel something..."

I flinched as a sudden loud clap filled my ears.

"Alrighty then! I'll help you out!" Marik's voice was filled with dark enthusiasm and he grinned from ear to ear.

"Huh?"

"I can tell you right now, Bakura, you do have some emotions in you. There just really really subtle. All we need to do is bring them out!"

"And how exactly are we supposed to do that?"

Suddenly, I found myself pinned against the armrest of the couch with the sharp blade of the millennium rod pressing against the soft flesh of my neck.

Marik's nose was about half an inch away from mine and i could feel his hot breath against my cheeks as his sharp teeth curled into a psychotic smile.

I blinked as i took in every little detail. From the cold metal against my neck, to the sticky tongue above me licking the hungry lips of the Egyptian.

"Nothing." I sighed, shaking my head as much as i could in my position.

Marik's mouth shrunk into a childish pout as he raised his head.

Still straddling my stomach, he looked toward the ceiling thoughtfully and crossed his arms.

"I guess we'll just have to try something else then."

Fantastic...

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Me: Wow, i never knew i could write like that...Poor Bakura...

Bakura: Don't you dare give me your sympathy!

Me: Your a good actor Bakura! You should be happy!

Marik: Ha ha, yeah right, he doesn't even have to do anything!

Bakura: grrrr.

Me: AAAAAnyway, Review pretty pretty please!!! I want to know your opinion!

Bakura: No matter how heartcrushing and cruel it may be,

Me: O.o


	2. Happiness

A/n: Here I am again! Immediately after the other one!! Because I have the inspiration!!! YAYZ!!! I hope you don't mind the slight hint a psychoshipping, it wasn't meant to be in there…but it was!!!

Disclaimer: Yeah, sure. I own EVERYTHING!!! Mwhahahahahaha!!!

*gets shot by 4kids*

"Arn't you going to eat lunch 'Kura?"

I blinked and turned my head to the soft voice beside me.

I met the gaze of those two emotion filled emerald orbs waiting for my answer.

"Oh, i'm going to the movies with Marik today...I'll eat something there."

"oh..."

I flinched.

That one word was filled with so many different emotions and his face said even more.

But the main one i noticed was the hurt he felt that i was leaving him to hang around with Marik. Even if he tried to hide it behind a fake smile.

So many emotions illuminating from that one boy, it was making me dizzy.

I stood up and hunted the living room for my jacket, still feeling the atmosphere that Ryou gave off.

"Ya know what Ryou?" I finally caved.

He looked up at me with curious eyes.

"Do you think you could make something for me to take on the road? The movies are kinda expensive,"

His pale face automatically lit up and i watched the happy smile overshadow all of his features.

"Of course 'Kura! I'll make something right away!"

And with that, he skipped off into the kitchen, his snow white hair streaming behind him as he moved.

I sighed, still feeling nothing.

I felt guilty for making guilt give him false hope.

Double guilt.

It sucks...

I fallowed him into the kitchen and leaned on the door frame to watch his hands move gracefully over the pots and pans to prepare my food.

I'll admit that he is fairly attractive.

His smooth pale skin complimented his silver hair perfectly, and his body was slim but not disgustingly skinny like some people I've seen.

Yes, he's attractive, but that only gives the man part of me emotion. Typical human nature.

It doesn't give me that butterfly feeling in my stomach that i've read in ryou's romance novels so many times.

I don't feel the blood rush to my face every time our skin meets.

But then again, i don't feel any aching urge to hurt him or yell at him, and i don't feel agitated or anything.

I feel nothing.

Again.

"Here you go 'Kura!" Ryou's happy voice penetrated my thoughts and i could feel the hurricane of emotion illuminating from him once again.

I wish i had that too.

"Thanks Ryou,"

I grabbed the white paper bag in his hand, our hands touching slightly.

I saw the blush slowly creep on to his face when he noticed and pulled his hand back self consciously.

I still felt nothing.

"Have a good day then!" He called after me as i left the building.

I didn't reply.

I really didn't have the heart to.

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"Two tickets for every movie please."

The clerk choked on her large soda stared in disbelief at Marik.

"Did you say two tickets for _every_ movie?" The metal ball in her tongue flickered in her mouth as she spoke.

"Yes, every movie. Don't worry, i can pay."

The girl blinked, but she did as she was asked and gave the blonde about ten different tickets.

"What are we doing Marik?" I asked when we stepped inside.

The theater was buzzing with loud chatter and laughter. People of all shapes and sizes walked around, bumping into each other.

"Movies were made to spark your emotions, Bakura. That's why people watch them. There's bound to be something in here that will get to you!" He seemed so enthusiastic about his devious little plan.

I wasn't so sure.

"But five movies? Thats about ten hours or something. Wouldn't Malik be upset with you?"

"Stop trying to talk me out of it, and besides, Malik has some stuff to do with his sister. He won't mind."

I sighed and gazed at my tickets.

"So what's playing?"

The Egyptian grabbed my shoulder and shoved me in the direction of a large theater that said "Tears of a Broken Heart"

"First, we're going to see the chick flick movie." He announced.

"Then we'll see the horror movie, then the death flic, the comedy, and finally, the Care Bear movie!"

I raised an eyebrow at him and pulled away.

"Care Bear Movie?"

"Hey, that movie's Chalk full of emotion! Hell, one of them is named 'Grumpy Bear' For Ra's sake. It'll be fine!"

I rolled my eyes and walked reluctantly into the theater.

Marik grinned the whole way to our seats, despite the fact that we got a lot of stares and whispers from the girls around us.

They must think we're some stereo typical gay couple or something.

Stupid girls.

It was kind of hard to sit through.

The guy left the girl and the girl was sad and the girl was doing all sorts of stupid things to get the guy back.

All around me i heard girls go "aaawww" and clap when they reunited and gasp when something happened.

I didn't understand why. They were just being selfish. Going out of their way to be with the one person that seemed to make them happy.

I looked next to me at Marik, who fell asleep with his chin resting on the palm of his hand.

It made me laugh inwardly to see how bored he was with the movie when it was his idea to begin with.

"Damn, i forgot how much i hate Chickflicks..." He complained when the movie was over.

"I mean, who would actually rob a bank just to get this one guy. Idiots thats who!"

I smirked at him and looked at our next ticket.

"What's 'Bloody Rage'?" I asked him.

Marik grinned that psychotic grin that made babies cry on a regular basis.

No joke, he did it at the park once and got slapped by angry mothers.

"Thats the Horror movie. I read the reviews and made sure it was really scary and bloody just for you,"

"Woohoo..." I mumbled sarcastically.

That movie, along with all the others, had the same effect on me.

I spent so much time just analyzing the logic of it all and finding it stupid that i never felt anything.

I got so many glares from crying people after the death flick. I knew they thought i was a heartless prick.

And their right.

I stopped dead in my tracks before entering the Care Bear movie.

"Marik, i'm not watching this."

"Aw, c'mon Bakura! this is no time to have pride issues!"

"No Marik, It's not going to work. We've seen all of these movies and i just can't seem to grasp the emotion of it all! Let's just give up now..."

The Blonde stared at me and tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Maybe we're looking at this the wrong way..."

I titled my head to the side, trying to read his face.

"Marik?"

"Should I or Shouldn't I...I don't think Malik would get mad at me..." He debated with himself as he turned away from me.

I fallowed him, still trying to figure out what he was up too.

"Marik, what are you-mmph!"

Hot lips were suddenly pressed against my own as the Egyptian arched my neck and pressed himself against me.

I blinked and took in every detail like before.

His tongue licked my bottom lip roughly before forcing it's way into my mouth. It flickered and stroked my own limp tongue, trying to arouse something.

The whole thing was very...strange.

"Get a room you queers!"

Marik sharply pulled away and shouted angrily at the man.

"This is 2009 you dickhead! why don't you get your head out of your ass and get laid for once!"

I stepped back and sighed.

He turned his head towards me with curiosity stinging in his eyes.

"Did you feel anything at all?" He asked casually.

"Marik, you're my friend. How am i supposed to feel anything?"

He put his hands on his hips and leaned his weight on one foot.

"You don't always have to feel love when someone kisses you. You can easily feel disgusted, or angry." He explained.

I bit my lip and replayed the kiss in my head, trying to remember what i felt.

nothing. Numb. zip. nada. zero.

"Nope." I said blankly.

"Nothing at all?"

"It's was kinda like when you go down the street and pick up a hooker just to satisfy your body. You don't feel any emotion."

Marik threw his head back and laughed before running a hand through his spiky hair.

"That's the first time I've ever been referred to as a hooker." He joked.

"I think i'll add that to my list of names."

I smiled and shook my head.

"Well thats what you should be called when you kiss someone and your not single."

"Oh Malik will understand. It's not like i felt anything for you at all. I'm just trying to help you out."

I nodded and slipped my arms through my jacket sleeves.

"Well, i'm gonna go home. I don't need Ryou to have a heart attack for me being so late.

"What are you going to do? About Ryou i mean,"

I froze and stared at the ground for a bit.

"I..." I started hesitantly.

"I'm gonna give him what he wants."

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It was about 9:15 pm when i creaked the door open and slipped into the apartment.

I wasn't sure if Ryou was still awake or not and i didn't want to wake him if he wasn't.

I Maneuvered my way in the dark, using my thief skills to help me, and hooked my jacket on the back of the dining room chair.

_ugh, i'm hungry... _

I thought to myself.

I had eaten the meal that Ryou prepared for me, but i skipped dinner and now my stomach was scolding me loudly.

_Maybe we still have some left over chicken from last night..._

"'Kura?"

I jumped and whirled around to face the small pale boy looking back at me anxiously.

"Kura, where did you go?"

I relaxed and collapsed into the armchair beside me.

"I told you, i was at the movies with Marik."

"For eight hours?"

"He bought a lot of tickets..."

Ryou bit his lip and fidgeted with his shirt nervously.

Even in the dim lighting of the lamp behind me, i could see the crimson blush clouding his cheeks.

"Um...well..." He stuttered, his hair covered his face selfconsiously as he stared at the ground.

I raised an eyebrow and stared back at him.

"What is it?"

"I, uh...I wanted to tell you something..."

My eyes widen in realization. I knew exactly what he wanted to say.  
Guilt stabbed my in the chest and made it hard to breathe.  
I stood up slowly and walked toward him.  
"What is it?"  
"Kura, I...I lo-"  
I cut him off as i full embraced him and pressed my lips softly against his.  
He was shocked, but that didn't stop him from kissing back with passion.  
I felt his fingers curl tightly around my neck as he pulled me further into the kiss.  
Now just because i don't feel anything, doesn't mean i can't kiss someone well.  
And that's what i did.  
I held him tighter and gently parted his lips with my own, allowing my tongue to slip in and find his. Mine stroked his softly and explored the sweetness of his mouth, taking in every detail i could.  
I heard a soft moan echo from his throat as i tilted his neck further, deepening the kiss further before braking it completely.  
The boy whined subconsciously but seemed to mentally slap himself back into reality.  
"Kura,"  
I said nothing in reply and pulled him into my arms, trying to let his warmth fill me to the rim.  
He smiled softly and buried his face in my shirt.  
"I love you 'Kura..." he murmured into the fabric.  
I sighed quietly and pulled him tighter.  
"I know..."  
I couldn't lie to him.

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Me: Mwhahahahahaha!!!  
Bakura: why am i doing that again?  
Me: the power of guilt is strong!  
Bakura: pffft!  
Ryou: T_T  
Me: AAAW! Ryou-kun! *hugs Ryou*  
Bakura: Grrrrr...  
Me: Review pretty pretty please again!!!! I wanna know your out there!!  
Bakura: yeah, tell her how bad it is, please.  
Me: ; ___________ ;


	3. Fear

A/N: OMG!! Angst ahead!!! OMFG!!!

This was fun to write....I don't know why,i'm just really proud of this chapter... I Hope you like it too!!! Sorry it's put together crappy. I don't have wordDoc where i am and it turned out weird...sorry....

Disclaimer: Is to busy trying to get out of the mental institution to own anything

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I must admit, the past few weeks have been very....intimate...

Ryou kisses me every chance he gets, whether it's on the cheek, hands, forehead, or lips. Mainly the lips. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, he always manages to pull me away and press his lips against mine.

I do the same to him, but not as often. I guess i'm just paranoid that he'll see through my empty gestures and feel hurt. He has a history of taking things too far when he's deeply hurt and i think i'm in very deep water with this relationship as it is. But I'm already in, so it's too late to step out any time soon.

He's taken me out to such amusing places, such as the carnival and the amusement park. His laughter and enjoyment was so radiant, I almost thought i could feel it as well. But then again, my mind has played tricks on me before.

There are times where i just want to bang my head against the wall until I can force my mind to flow into the swirling pools of damn emotion that was so far out of my reach. When he cries, i can feel the atmosphere and i have such tempting urges to cause myself pain just so i can cry with him, even if he's covered in my bitter tainted blood.

Me and my selfishness... Oh well, as long as he's happy.

"Hey 'Kura?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you 'Kura."

"Thank you."

The deafening silence that fallowed rang painfully in my ears and forced me to look up at the emerald orbs across the table.

Ryou was surrounded by mountains of books and papers, apparently for studying, and was staring at my from behind a large textbook on American Literature.

For the first time in weeks, his eyes were completely blank as they gazed back into my own. I shuddered slightly. It felt as if he were examining the deepest recesses of my soul.

I guess that saying "The eyes are the window into the soul" is more accurate than I thought.

We stared at each other silently for what seemed like an eternity before he finally buried his nose back into his books, frequently turning the pages again and again and scratching bits of notes down on the papers beside him.

I watched him work for about five minutes before he spoke again without looking up.

"'Kura,"

"Yes?"

"I really do love you..."

"I know,"

The sudden slam of the book almost made me fall backwards out of my chair as the previously blank eyes filled with glistening rage and frustration. The boy's pale face had angry pink blushes painted over his cheeks as he stood over me.

"Why won't you say it?" He shouted.

I regained my composure and stared back up at him, trying to process his words in my head.

"I don't-"

"Don't do that! Don't change the subject! Why won't you say it?"

I frowned and pressed my lips together. I knew this day would come, I knew i couldn't keep this up without lying to him sometime. The thing was, i just couldn't do it. I couldn't lie to this boy.

"Ryou..."

"It's just three words!" Tears slipped past his eyes and fell down his cheeks.

"Unless it's not true..."

The emotion on his face suddenly shifted as he stepped back towards the wall. The rage and frustration was quickly replaced with sorrow and hurt as his knees tried so hard not to give in.

"Now Ryou, don't do this. I care about you more than anyone i've known..."

"Then why won't you say it!?"

I stood up from my own chair slowly and tried to approach him, but he backed away further, threatening me with his body language.

"Why won't you say that you love me!?"

I flinched at the word. The word that i couldn't understand. The word that constantly floated around my head, mocking me everyday. Laughing manically with it's high pitch cackles.

_You can't feel it! You can't have it! You can't feel it! You can't have it!_

I stared at the boy with hard eyes for a long time before i sighed and lowered my gaze to the ground.

"Because i don't..."

I heard a soft sob being choked back, telling me how the tears were now streaming down Ryou's face. I lifted my head slightly, just enough to see him sink to the ground and bury his face in his hands.

"Why did you...Why? Were you...pitying me?" He spat the word like acid on his tongue and the guilt was bubbling over in my head. You can't feel it! you can't have it! Just keep hurting everyone else! Just stay with your guilt! You can't feel it! You can never have it!

"I wasn't pitying you..." I mumbled to the ground.

"I was pitying myself..."

I felt the confused eyes on me, though the sadness was still there, biting my heartless chest. I could still feel nothing but guilt.

This god damned guilt that caused me to hurt him in the first place!

"Ryou, Please understand, I have never lied to you since i first kissed you. I care deeply about you and i want you to live and be happy."

"Then why?"

"Guilt..."

I brought my head up to meet the boy's gaze. He was just staring at me now. Staring with the same blank expression he was wearing a few minutes earlier, only now his eyes were glistening in the dim lighting and were pink and puffy from the runaway tears.

"Guilt that i couldn't love you..."

_Never feel it! You can't have it!_

"That I can't love you..."

_Never have it! Never!_

"Because I can't feel anything...At all..."

_Never, Never, Never_

"And i can never love you..."

_Never! Never! Never!_

"I'm so sorry..."

_Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Just stay with your guilt and never love!_

Those voices still scratched and bit at my head and pushed me out the front door, not looking back once at the mess i had left behind. Not looking back, trying to outrun the guilt that had brought me to this conclusion in the first place. All while those same voices laughed and laughed and laughed over and over and over again.

_Keep running and Never love!_

Never love...

I will never love...

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God damn it, I don't think i have ever been so cold in my fucking life since then. There I was, laying on the park bench in a short sleeved red shirt and jeans with a large tare in the knee, shivering my ass off.

I was cold and and bleeding from tripping over my own feet while trying to escape those horrible words in my head. If this is what misery feels like, i don't want to feel it anymore. I bit my lip and furiously rubbed my hands on my arms to try to keep warm, but nothing worked.

_What are you doing now?_

The voice came back and sent shivers down my spine.

_You should just go back to the way you were all those centuries ago, Bakura._

"no..." I whispered to the blacktop below me.

_You should, these mortals have no idea what you could cause! The meyham you brought upon the land! The chaos that ensued! It was beautiful, was it not?_

"Leave me alone...that's not me anymore..."

_It IS you Bakura, you can't escape it...A thing like you can never love. You must accept that and face reality._

"No! That's not me! I've changed!"

_You can't change. Once you have blood on your hands, you can never go back._

I was about to retort, but when i clenched my fists, i could feel something leak between my fingers. Something warm and sticky. Something...delicious...

I held up my hands and gasped at the sight.

My fingers were stained completely red as heavy amounts of dark liquid flowed down my

palms, onto my wrists and even further. My head was screaming and cursing loudly, but i couldn't do anything but stare at the blood spilling all over my body.

_This is you, Bakura. admit it, you want this. You NEED more! The blood isn't enough, and will never be enough!_

"Shut up!"

I grabbed my head, almost ripping the hair from my scalp, desperatly screaming for the voice to stop. I could feel the urges flow through my vains as the memories flashed past my closed eyes over and over and over.

All the screams of pain. The pleas of mercy. The deep seas of blood pooling around my feet. My own maniacal laughter made me shiver in my boots.

_Just give in Bakura! you can't escape it! You won't win!_

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Get the fuck out of my head!!!" "Bakura?" I gasped sharply for breath as the sudden voice shattered the illusion and yanked me back from the terrible memories. Reality was freezing cold in the middle of the night at the park. I gazed at my shaking hands. They were as clean as they've ever been. No blood. No tears. Just clean. I let my held breath go and shifted my attention towards the stranger who had called my name. His hard crimson eyes stared at me from underneath his blonde bangs. His tri-colored hair

blowing in the cold wind as he walked briskly towards me in his black leather coat.

"Pharaoh? What the hell are you doing out so late?" I choked.

"I could ask you the same thing."

I bit my lip and colapsed into the bench below me, burying my head in my hands.

"I'm just clearing my head..."

Yami sat beside me, i could feel his eyes on the side of my head staring at me skeptically.

"Is that why you were screaming so loudly?"

screaming... Oh that's right, That stupid voice was pestering me and driving me insane. I guess i didn't realize that i was actually screaming at it to shut up.

Jesus christ, i must seem like the kind of person who needed to be in a mental institution!  
Hmmm...Maybe that's not such a bad idea.  
"Bakura, does this have to do with anything emotional you're dealing with?"  
Ha, you have no idea.  
"Why do you even care? Don't you hate me?"  
The Pharaoh sighed deeply and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. I shuddered at the

contact but i didn't snap at him or try to pull away. I normally would've...I wonder why i didn't...

"Marik called not too long ago..." Marik, that snitch blabbed to Yami about my "problem". I need to remember to kill thatbastard later.

Aw screw that. It's not like i told him to keep it a secret or anything. I bit my lip and looked up at the pale face that seemed to be sympathetic towards me. I

didn't talk to Yami that much. Usually because he was always hanging out with that cult of friends that Ryou hung out with during school.

They tried to include me, but it just didn't appeal to me, nor to Marik.

"Well it's not like anything's gonna kill me out here..."

"Bakura, You don't seriously think you can't feel anything."  
I narrowed my eyes at him. Was he seriously asking me this question? And now, of all times?

"Well whats your verdict then, all mighty ruler of egypt?"  
He removed his hand and leaned his back against the bench, staring at the stars above us and sighing deeply.  
"I was in ancient Egypt once too Bakura. I know how hard it was back then...Even if i was royalty."  
I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.  
We barley exchange greetings, let alone reminess about "the good ol' days" in Egypt.  
He stared silently for a few minutes before turning his head towards me with those deep crimson eyes.  
Only Ra knows what goes on behind them. He's so strange to me. He doesn't show his emotions the way everyone else does. He's like me in that way.

But unlike me, he actually has them.  
"Bakura, you DO have emotions," He said as if he read my mind.  
I blinked.  
"Oh?" I replied. "And what makes you say that?"  
"People don't scream for no reason. It's proof that you feel something. You feel anger and frustration towards yourself for anything that you're guilty of." Yami leaned forward and gave me a long hard look.

"What are you guilty of tonight, Bakura?"

I pressed my lips together and looked away. His eyes were so intimidating, they racked my brain and made my head throb.

"I couldn't return Ryou's affection...Or even decline it...I can't say anything to it..."

I mumbled to the floor.

"I see."

We sat there for Ra knows how long. Occasional drunks wondered across the street, spouting random nonsense into the night. Once or twice a car zoomed by. But other than that, the park was dim and deserted.

"Do you still want to know what i think?" The Pharaoh's words softly penetrated the silence.

I nodded, but refused to meet his eyes, afraid of what they might be saying...or seeing.

"I think you've forgotten how to feel on your own free will."

My own free will? Does that mean i've been feeling without realizing it?

This was a possiblity.

I waited for him to continue.

"Tell me Bakura, Back in ancient egypt, Did you lock away all your emotions? When you preformed your...erm, 'work', did you make sure that nothing got in the way of the bloodshed? Even yourself? Especially yourself?"

Myself...I locked myself away...

Yes, that's exactly what i did. I made sure that i wouldn't give in to the sorrowful looks that people gave me when death flashed before thier eyes. I made sure that i wasn't penetrated by the streaming tears of small children and women.

I and sure as hell made sure that i would never care about anything besides my own skin. That way i wouldn't be afraid of death. I wouldn't be afraid of anyone elses death.

I wouldn't let love get in the way.

I wouldn't let anything get in the way... I did this for years, and suddenly, I'm sealed in this god forsaken ring. Stuck in the darkness all by myself. Alone in the dark. With no reason to feel anything.

So i didn't. And i forgot...

A sudden sharp pain in my hands crashed my train of thought. I had clenched my fists so hard that my palms were now bleeding.

I sighed and finally met the gaze of the Pharaoh.

"Your right..." I mumbled.

"Your so right..."

His lips curled into a soft sympathetic smile as he stood up.

"You should go home. It's late and you never know what could be out here in the city."

I nodded and waved at him as he walked in away into the night.

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I had no idea what time it was, but i knew it was late.

Very late.

But the light was on behind the door, so i didn't trouble myself to be silent and slip into the house unnoticed. I just hesitantly grabbed the door knob and peaked in.

"Hello?" I called as i closed the door behind me.

"'Kura!"

Slim arms were suddenly wrapped tightly around my waist as i was tackled to the floor by a sudden flash of long silver hair.

I shook my head, trying to see who my attacker was, but the boy was nuzzling my chest and burring his nose deep into my shirt.

"Oh 'Kura! Don't do that ever again! You scared the living daylights out of me! Do you have any idea what time it is!?"

I blinked, very confused.

"Ryou, why are you...?"

He looked up at me with emerald eyes full of tears. However he wasn't at all sad, he seemed more...relieved.

"'Kura, I called Marik and he explained everything! I want to help you! I want to help you feel what i feel! I want to laugh when your happy and cry when your sad and yell when your angry!" He sobbed happily into my chest.

"But..." I bit my lip. This was still really confusing. "I hurt you..."

"No you didn't!"

Say what?

"You didn't hurt me 'Kura, If anything, i should be thanking you,"

Say what, again?

"You did what you did to make me happy, thats more than anyone's ever done for me. You did nothing wrong and i want to return the favor! You make me so happy and i want you to be happy too."

I stared at him in disbelief. I didn't know what to say. Not only had this young boy forgiven me, he still loved me and wanted to help me. He said I did nothing wrong.

I relaxed my tense muscles and wrapped my arms around the boy, pulling him closer to my face. I kissed him gently on the forhead and let him nuzzle my neck like a young child just being reunited with thier mother.

"Thank you, Ryou..."  
I could almost swear i felt a smile spread across my lips.

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Me: Well wasn't that nice?  
Bakura: Why did the Pharaoh have to be the one to make me think?  
Me: It made sense when i thought of it!  
Yami: I like my scene.  
Bakura: you would.  
Yami: .  
Me: oh you guys...Anyway! Read and review!!! DO IT!!! I command you!  
Bakura: yeah, and crush all her hopes and dreams.  
Me: ; ______________ ;


	4. indifference

A/N:I HATE this chapter!!! HATE HATE HATE!!! But wanted to update so badly for you guys before i leave!! I had to write it! I HAD TOO!!!

Bakura: And so i will do the disclaimer this time.

Me: What? NUUUU!!!

Bakura: Disclaimer, this chick doesn't own shit because i stole it from her. ALL OF IT!!

Me: *cries*

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I don't think I've ever had so many people surrounding me before...

I mean, not without them screaming for mercy or anything.

I think it was about noon when Marik came over with Malik pretty much wrapped around his waist for lunch.

Apparently he had told Malik as well (still need to remember to kill him later) and we spent about an hour figuring out ways to get me to feel something.

"Maybe we can have a foursome!" Malik suggested.

Marik shook his head.

"That won't work, i already tongued him in the movie theater,"

"You what!?" Both Malik and Ryou shouted at him in unison.

He was in trouble.

"It wasn't as if i did it because i like him! i was trying to get him to feel something! I was hoping for anger or disgust!"

Malik averted his gaze from his Yami and pouted childishly. Marik smiled and pulled the boy closer and kissed him on the cheek.

"C'mon babe, you know you're the only one. And besides, you're the one who suggested a foursome."

"...Touche'..."

I laughed. Those two were very amusing when they argue.

But the rest of the day was weird. Every time Marik leaned in closer to me, even by an inch, Ryou would wrap both hands around my arm and squeeze until he had completely cut of all the blood circulation.

I think Marik had called it jealousy.

It was mainly Marik and Malik who tossed Ideas around. It went from movies and plays, to me getting beat up in an alleyway, to them stealing Ryou and taking him to Egypt and leaving me in Isolation.

Ryou threw in a few ideas here and there, but they were barley heard over the two crazy Egyptians arguing over which emotion would react to what.

Eventually, the whole thing just got ridiculous as they ran out of ideas to use.

" We can scale mount Rushmore in America and shout on top of Abe Lincolns head as loud as we can!!"

"How will that make him feel anything Marik?"

"Have you never shouted before? It's a brain rush!"

"Yeah, but do we have to go to America to do that? Why don't we just stand on top of KaibaCorp and yell?"

"Because Bakura already did that and Kaiba Busted him."

I twitched. That was one thing that i know i DID tell Marik to stay secret.

I felt a soft tug on my sleeve and turned my head towards the small boy beside me.

"When did you go to KaibaCorp, 'Kura?" He whispered in my ear.

I sighed. I still couldn't lie to him. But maybe i could just tell him half the truth...

"It was a few weeks ago, i went there to do exactly what we're doing now."

"How?"

damn it...

Well, I'm sunk now...

"Hey Ryou! Can we go to the store?" Malik suddenly shouted.

Ryou blinked, a bit startled by Malik's sudden question, but nodded happily.

"Sure,"

The two hikari's grabbed their coats and left with a small wave of their hand.

As soon as I heard the door lock, i turned towards The blonde Egyptian across from me and glared my most evil glare i could muster.

Sure enough, it intimidated him, for he laughed nervously before answering.

"I'm sorry, Bakura! It slipped,"

"You know i still need to kill you for telling the Pharaoh..."

"You saw yami?"

I sighed and relaxed against the couch, massaging my temples with one hand.

"Yeah, i saw him last night when i ran from Ryou..."

This seemed to intrigue Marik's interest because he scooted closer and stared at my intently, waiting for me to speak.

"Well he didn't say much! He just gave me his thoughts on the whole thing."

"And what does he think?"

"He said that i do have emotions, I've just forgotten what they feel like because of my past..."

Marik cocked his head to the side for a minute then leaned back into his own chair, lost in thought.

"That makes a lot of sense..."

I nodded in agreement.

It did make sense. Too much sense. it explains everything and i don't like it. To have forgotten how to feel sound like i need to have a doctor or something.

It made me feel weak and, well, human.

I don't like that. Not at all.

I looked up at Marik and noticed the thoughtful expression on his face. I had never seen him so deep i thought before. The blonde almost seemed like a completely different person.

Almost.

"What's on your mind, Marik?" I asked, giving in the curiosity.

"Hmm? Oh, i was just wondering if the shadow realm would scar you for life."

I rolled my eyes and threw a random book at him, which he dodged with ease.

Stupid psychopaths.

"I doubt the Shadow realm will do anything, considering i was sealed in a ring for the past 5000 years!" I snapped.

He just shrugged and started to laugh.

"Hey, i'm just tossing ideas. You never know."

"Whatever,"

He sat in silence for a while before i started thinking again.

Why did Malik go to the store? And why did he take Ryou?

"Hey Marik,"

"Yeah?"

"Where did Malik take Ryou?"

"To the gay club."

"What!?"

The Egyptian fell out of his chair, clutching his stomach in maniacal laughter.

I scowled at his joke

"Marik..." I growled.

"I'm just kidding Bakura! but you have to admit, that got some emotion out of you!"

I blinked. He was right. I felt annoyed with him that he wouldn't take me seriously and tell me what i wanted to know.

It was, well, different.

"Well, that may be, but it's not the emotion that you would want to bring out when theirs no one around to witness the 'Accident'."

He finally calmed down and sat up on the floor, rubbing the tears from his eyes.

"Y-yeah, you're right, hee hee..."

I rolled my eyes and threw another book at him, this time he didn't dodge and it hit him right above his ear and sent him tumbling across the floor.

He sat up and glared at me, but he couldn't hold it through his giggles.

Crazy guy actually likes pain.

I remember when i used to be like that.

"Yeah so, where are they? Really?"

"They went to the grocery store, I'm not sure why though."

I was about to ask something else, but i was interrupted by a sudden high pitched squealing that seemed to come from Marik's pocket.

The psychopath fiddled around with his jeans until he finally pulled out a small metal device.

"Damn cell phone technology..."

he started pressing buttons and throwing it around but the squealing wouldn't stop. He glared at it and held the millennium rod up.

"Shut up you bastard!!"

The cell phone ignored him and kept squealing over and over.

I stood up and stole the phone in his hands before he had the chance to throw it angrily at the wall, pressed the green phone shaped button under the screen, and handed it back to him.

"oh...thanks..." Marik took the phone and held it up to his ear.

"Hello?...Oh hi Malik!....Calm down, I....You're kidding!...Don't worry we're coming. uh huh, Bye bye"

He pressed some random button and looked up at me.

"Ryou's hurt and he's at the hospital."

I stared blankly at him and collapsed into the couch when i realized i was still standing.

I lowered my gaze to the ground, trying to wrap my head around the situation.

"Hey man, you ok?" Marik placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah..." I mumbled.

"How're you feeling?"

I shuddered.

At that very moment, I wanted so badly to just bang my head against the wall until i passed out into a pool of my own blood and drowned in it.

I wanted to cause myself so much pain and grief, something to distract me from this damn guilt!!!

_Ha ha ha! i told you so! I told you!!_

"Bakura? How are you feeling?"

"I..." I stuttered, clenching my fists.

"I don't..."

_Never feel it! Never have it! Just put yourself out of your misery Bakura! Just run away! HA ha ha ha!!!_

Over and over again those words echoed in my head as i ran out the door as far away from my heartless life as possible.

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Me: CLIFFHANGER!!!

Bakura: *smacks me* You suck!!

Me: Waaaah!!! *cries*

Bakura: press the button and review or this sorry excuse for a human will suffer the consequences!

Me: SAVE ME!!!


	5. Anger

A/N: This is definitely going to be a short chapter. Just because it set itself up that way. But I promise you that the next chapter will be longer! over 2000 words! 3000 if i can manage!!! This is just the beginning of the, well, Super Special Awesome Plot Point! YAY! If that made sense at all...*sigh* i'm so tired from riding a plane for 7 hours. Can someone else do the disclaimer?

Marik: OH! I will!

Me: Sure! ^_^

Marik: Disclaimer: L.D has not, Does not, and will never own any of this because...well...Because her imaginary friend is a magical talking burrito named Ham!

Me: O.o You said you wouldn't tell anyone about that!!!

Marik: Opps.

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_I told you so._

"Shut up..."

_I told you and you didn't listen._

"Shut up!"

_Now your running away from your guilt again._

"Why won't you leave me alone!?"

_Because you need to listen to me! You'll never be able to live with yourself like this!_

"I won't listen to you! Get out of my head!"

_Keep it up, Bakura. You'll just keep drowning in your own guilt and one day it might become too much for you to handle._

_"SHUT UP!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD DAMN IT!"_

I looked up at all the stares i received from several people around me. Normally i would've popped my collar and sneak away, but right now, i didn't give a shit.

I wanted the voice in my head to stop. I wanted to block out all the words that drilled into my brain and throbbed in my ears.

_You can't block out the truth Bakura._

"P-please stop!" I stuttered.

My voice was getting horse and scratched painfully at my throat as i spoke.

_Your not meant for this world! Just let yourself go!!_

"Just s-stop..."

The cackling in my head got louder and louder, i couldn't take it anymore. I violently grabbed my scalp and lost all feeling in my knees. I felt the pain sting my back, telling me that i had scraped my back against whatever was behind me. i wasn't very aware of my surroundings at the time.

"I...I won't..."

_You lost Bakura!! YOU LOST!_

I screamed.

"Bakura! Bakura snapped out of it!" A different voice interjected my thoughts and slapped me across the face.

I blinked as the world around me came into view. I was in a damp alley way in the middle of downtown Domino city.

The figure who had slapped me was standing over me with both hands firmly grabbing my shoulders.

"Bakura, hey man you alright?"

I looked up at the slim violet eyes staring worriedly into mine.

"M-marik..." I choked.

Feeling came flooding back into my limbs and i realized how much i was shaking beneath the Egyptian's grasp.

"Oh god Marik, i'm sorry, I'm such an idiot...It's just...I feel so guilty..."

"Bakura,"

"No! I owe you, i'm making a fool of myself and you still came after me...I don't deserve a friend like you...or a boyfriend like Ryou..."

"But, Bakura..."

"It's should be obvious by now that i'll never be able to feel anything and that's that..."

"Bakura! "

"What!?"

"Look,"

He stood back and pointed at a spot right under my right eye.

I stared blankly at him and hesitantly used my finger to stroke that spot softly.

If felt like regular skin.

Smooth, cold , wet and...Wait, wet?

I stared at the small salty drop on my index finger and began to laugh softly in disbelief.

"I'm crying..."

Marik dropped to his knees in front of me, but i paid no attention, still transfixed by my sudden emotional reaction.

"I'm crying...and i didn't need to break the skin or hit my head...or cause any sort of physical pain."

"I think it's because your frustrated and angry. It's been too much and broke out."

I started laughing even louder.

"I'm angry!" I shouted excitedly.

"I feel pissed as hell!"

My smile sudden fell into a deep frown as my brow furrowed evilly.

"I'm angry!"

I jumped to my feet and clenched my fists so hard that i could feel the blood trickle down my palm. In fact, my whole body was aching and screaming at me to sit back down, but it refused to listen.

The only thing i wanted to see was the bastard that hurt Ryou.

MY Ryou!

"Bakura, wait come back! You're fucking bleeding man!" Marik shouted at me.

But his voice sounded miles and miles away as i ran in any random direction my legs would take me.

I didn't know what happened or how hurt my hikari was, but god damn it! I WILL find out who did it!

I ran and ran until the sweat streamed down my back and burned whatever wound i had from the wall.

But the pain was no issue.

the issue was the large crowd of people i that it was my luck to run into.

I guess some weird street performers had come to town and attracted all these people that didn't have anything better to do with their lives.

I didn't really give a shit about some damn street performer that couldn't get a real job, so i tore blindly through the middle of the so called act.

yeah, easier said then done.

I ran into a few fat ladies, some large rednecks, and tripped over about three little toddlers and received loud bitchy lectures from the mothers.

Before today, i would've just rolled my eyes and shrugged it off, but for some reason, every time some one so much said one word of complaint towards me i felt that little fire in the pit of my stomach grow larger and larger.

"Graugh!!!" I snarled and practically tackled a six foot body builder to the cement.

"Why you little son of a bitch!" The man roared and pulled my by the collar to his beady little eyes.

"I'm gonna make you bleed little man!"

The fire in my gut was scorching my sides as I tried violently to squirm out of his grip.

"Let me go..." I scowled deeply.

We both flinched.

For a split moment, the fire died down as i thought about what i had just said.

The sentence was full of so much anger and bitterness, it was almost satanic.

"Oh i'll let you go, little man..." The man finally came to and thrust me to the ground with all his might.

I landed on my back with a loud CRACK.

The already bleeding scrape on my back was now leaking hot sticky liquid down my spine.

The searing pain put gallons of gas on that angry fire deep in my stomach and lost all self control.

I lunged at whatever was in my way before i saw blood red.

Then black.

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Me: ANOTHER CLIFFY!!

Bakura: Didn't i teach you last time???

Me: Shut up!

Everyone: O.O

Me: oh crap i'm sorry!

Bakura: Hmph.

Me: T_T

Ryou: um, heh, Read and Review for L.D while she tries to make 'Kura feel better...

Me: I'm sorry Bakura! Please don't walk out on me!!


End file.
